The Trick is to Keep Breathing
by Archica
Summary: Songfic about Heero making ammends for being an abusive husband.


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The Trick is To Keep Breathing 

Song (by the same title) was originally sung by Garbage. I don't own the song or the Gundam Wing characters! ;_; 

_Shes not the kind of girl   
Who likes to tell the world   
About the way she feels about herself _

She stared at the reflection in the mirror, barely recognizing the person she saw. The face, once milky white and beautiful, was now blue with bruises. The hair, once luxuriously thick and silky, was now nothing more than a tattered mess upon her shoulders. And the eyes, once glistening with the hope of a bright and joyful future, were now two gray voids of vacant glass.   
The man walked into the room, glancing at her as he passed. His dark blue eyes studying her features easily, even in such a short moment of vision. He was like that. He had memorized every part of her face. She looked down as he kept walking, now used to him simply passing her by as she remained at the mirror, desparately trying to figure out what went wrong.   
Before walking out onto the balcony, he turned to her. "Relena, you know I didn't mean for that to happen."   
"Just like you never mean for it to happen?" Relena asked, her voice low and broken. 

He took a long look at her, then walked on outside. Relena sat silently, not even flinching at the cold sound of the door closing. The ring of the phone jolted her slightly. Phone calls were rare.   
She reached over and picked it up with a soft "Hello?"   
"Relena? How's it been?"   
"Hilde? God, it's been forever. I'm... fine."   
".... You hesitated. He didn't hit you again, did he? If he did, so help me, I'll kill him!"   
"No, no! He stopped all that! We just argued a bit this afternoon. That's all."   
"Relena, are you sure? Do you promise me that he didn't hit you again?"   
"I promise! So how are you and Duo fairing?"   
"Oh we're great! Hey Relena, do you think we could get together for Christmas?"   
Relena paused, then gave some excuse before telling Hilde that she had to go. She hung up the phone. God, hanging it up felt like signing away her life. She sighed, standing up and walking into the bathroom to clean herself up. 

_She takes a little time   
In making up her mind   
She doesn't want to fight against the tide _

Relena walked out of the bathroom, Heero cathching her eye. He sat on the couch, staring at her as if she had just killed his best friend. She felt like asking him what his problem was, demanding that he stop looking at her like that, but she knew better. She could still remember the burn of his fist against her cheek, the sting of his strong hands jerking her hair. They were practicall normal feelings now though.   
"Hilde called." she said simply, sitting down in the chair next to the couch.   
"Oh? And what did she have to say?"   
"Nothing much. She and Duo are doing well. She invited us to go somewhere with them for Christmas."   
"Do you want to?"   
Relena was silent for a moment, mentally weighing out the pros and cons of the choices. She hadn't been out with friends in such a long time. Being with Hilde and Duo brought back memories of a time when she was happy, and when Heero was still calm and mannerable. It was nostalgia at it's best.   
Then she imagined the terrifying looks Heero always flashed her when she did or said something he didn't approve of, the knowledge that when they got home, she'd receive her punishment with a vengence. She didn't feel like walking on eggshells in front of Hilde and Duo, and having to fight even harder to keep Hilde from finding out that Heero had never stopped beating her.   
"Not really." came her answer.   
Heero shrugged. "All right then. We'll stay home for Christmas." 

_And lately I'm not the only one   
I say never trust anyone _

Heero watched Relena get up from the chair and walk solemnly to their bedroom. His eyes never left her until the door was shut. He had always been quiet and moody, but Relena wasn't like that. He wasn't sure how to react to her new personality. They had been married for two years, and only a year ago he had hit her for the first time. He could still remember exactly why. They had gotten into a huge argument, and Relena had commented on the fact that since the war was over, he really had no purpose or reason to even be alive. Sure, it came from the heat of her anger, but Heero was a bit stunned. He'd been trying to deal with his newfound feelings of worthlessness since the war had ended, but had not succeded.   
The sound of her head smacking against the floor as she fell back from his blow was a sound he'd never in his life forget. Maybe it was so hard to forget because he now heard it quite often. He remembered falling to his knees beside her and cradleing her in his arms, screaming out desparate apologies.   
Relena had merely smiled and said she forgave him. Now, Relena had lost her cheerfulness. The stars in her eyes had been stolen, ripped from them by his own hands. He stood up, taking a step towards their bedroom. He stopped suddenly when he realized that he had no idea what he could say to her. He could he possibly make up for what he's done?   
He collapsed back onto the couch. He couldn't tell her how sorry he was, how he wanted to die each time he hurt her. He couldn't bare his heart to her, no matter how badly he wanted to. He had done too much dammage. She'd reject his feelings and soon enough leave him. 

_Always the one who has to drag her down   
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around _

He remembered all the times he'd promised to stop hurting her, and the hope that was returned to her eyes. Then he remembered the pain in her expression when he began hurting her again. He had been so cruel to her. There was no way in hell she'd forgive him.   
He walked to the bedroom door slowly and quietly. He peered in through the crack in the door. There sat Relena on the bed, holding a cardboard box in her lap. He watched her remove objects from the box and place them on the bed. And with each object, he felt as if a knife were being thrown into his chest.   
They were pictures, photos of she and him from a time of happiness, long before that fateful night of the first bruise. She made a circle of them around her and curled up into a ball on the bed. He stepped away from the door as she began sobbing, her body convulsing with each cry.   
Suddenly it hit him. Why had he beaten her all those times? He'd never really thought about why. He'd always just tried to think of excuses. He wanted to hurt her, that's why. He wanted to punish her for doing things he didn't want her to do. Now, as she lay crying on their bed, he realized that he had gotten what he wanted. He had hurt her in the worst way possible. But somehow, he couldn't enjoy this victory. Perhaps it was because he really did love her, and making her suffer really didn't appeal to him as much as he previously thought. 

_Can't bear to face the truth   
So sick he cannot move   
And when it hurts he takes it out on you _

He stood shell-shock, listening to his wife's sobs. She was suffering all right, and it was all because of him. He suddenly felt like vomitting. His stomach twisted and turned. He wanted to move, to walk to the bathroom, but he couldn't. He was frozen in place. His mind was reeling, his body becoming sick, as if to punish him.   
Memories were running through his mind. All the times he had felt hurt or sick, he had always used her as a means of getting out all of his anger. She was like a puncing bag. And now he was feeling the repercussions of all that pain. And he couldn't handle it. 

_And lately I'm not the only one   
I say never trust anyone _

But could he really go to her now in his current state? Could her persuade her to love him again? He stood there for long moments, comptemplating his options. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't present his bleeding heart to her now. She would throw it back into his face just as he had carelessly tossed hers aside for the past year.   
And anyway, it would just cause more pain. The best thing he could do now was leave her life alltogether. He could just walk away and leave her to live her own happy life. Or better yet, he could kill himself, leaving his body behind as a testimate of just how horrible he felt now. 

_Always the one who has to drag her down   
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around _

That's it then. He decided to just kill himself. As Relena had said on that horrible night one year ago, he really didn't have a purpose. He walked to the kitchen and opened a droor. He chose a nice shiny butcher knife and gracefully sliced the cold metal through the flesh of his wrists. He stumbled to the floor, feeling his life force flowing out in the form of a crimson river.   
At that moment, Relena walked through the hallway, drying her eyes. She saw Heero crouched on teh floor, blood pouring from his wrists. "Heero!" she cried, dashing towards him. "What have you done?!"   
"Relena, this is the only way I know.... to make ammends."   
"My God, Heero! This isn't the way! You didn't have to do this! I'll still love you! No matter what you did to me, I still loved you with all my heart! Please, please don't leave me now!"   
"You still love me? After all I've done to you..... after all the pain?"   
She held him close, tears strolling down her face. "Of course, Heero. I never stopped."   
Heero grabbed hold of one wrist, trying to stop the blood flow. He had to live now. He just had to. 

_The trick is to keep breathing _

He was gasping for air now, as the blood continued to pour freely. Relena grabbed a dish towel, the first thing she could possibly find, and wrapped it around his other wrist. "Please.... please..." she kept whispering in a monotonous, feverish plea.   
Heero tried to speak. "I'm sorry, Relena. It's too late now."   
Relena burried her face in his chest. "Heero! Please.... just don't leave me...." 

_The trick is to keep breathing _

Heero's eyes slid shut. His breaths came few and far between. Relena felt her heart sink. The man she had loved for years was slipping from her life, and there wasn't a thing she could do to stop it. She felt like she was grasping for straws. "Heero... please... don't die!"   
Heero's chest stopped moving. His heart stopped beating, but Relena's tears couldn't stop flowing. 

_She knows the human heart   
And how to read the stars   
Now everythings about to fall apart _

She eyed the knife, staring at it as if it were some long-lost friend. She picked it up, fiddleing with it between her blood-stained fingers. Her eyes were more vacant than they'd ever been. She felt guilt rising up in her heart. Heero committed suicide because of her. She had never thought about how he felt. She had never realized that it hurt him so bad. Perhaps it had hurt him more than it had hurt her. 

_I won't be the one who's going to let you down   
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around _

She held the knife against her own wrist, barely putting enough pressure to cut through the skin. Suddenly blood splattered out and she drew in a quick breath. She then quickly cut the other before she lost her nerve. "Heero... wait for me..." she whispered. 

_I won't be the one who's going to let you down   
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around _

As she fell onto Heero's body, she grasped his arm, holding on tightly as she felt herself dying. She smiled, realising that this had been what she'd wanted all along. She wanted to be with him, and at peace. Perhaps this was the only way she could have both at the same time. She closed her eyes, after taking one last look at his beautiful face. And as she took her last breath, she whispered "I love you, Heero." 

_The trick is to keep breathing....  _


End file.
